SMDH

God is so awesome. This time last week I was very unsuccessfully fighting back tears throughout the day. On the verge of realizing that my husband is emotionally abusive. And in the aftermath of that wondering, "How do I heal from almost 10 years of such insidious behavior?" And wondering how I could have been so blind. Here I am now feeling relaxed, relieved and most importantly renewed.

Wednesday evening I snapped at Coco when she again asked to get into her therapist's office so she could look at the books. I was checking my work blackberry and felt I needed to finish doing that. In that moment I questioned why I would respond to her like that? And why I was not parenting the way I wanted to? Why did I lack more patience with my children when I love them so dearly? How could I love them so dearly yet feel like I didn't like them on occasion? And then it hit me: with them, I had become him. I was demonstrating his normal of love towards my children. My single, hard working mother had never snapped at me. I can recall that my mother never yelled at us until my older brother came back to live with us (and he would try the patience of a saint). I realized in that moment why I love the way I do. Because that type of love had been modeled towards me by my mother AND my father. My father's failures as a husband never interfered with that teaching. He may have confused me a bit, but, fundamentally, his inability to model a good husband did not interfere him contributing to my learning the true nature of love.

A friend once told me that he felt his relationship with his wife changed the relationship he expected to have with his children. While, intellectually, I understood what he was saying, practically, I didn't understand what that meant.

Now, I certainly know that had been the case for me.

In the 3 hours that followed that revelation and my children's bedtime, I was blessed to see and feel a difference in my interaction with them and their response to me. I am not angry at them. Demanding their obedience. Parenting impatiently. I enjoyed them tonight. Rather than their giggling with each other instead of getting ready for bed inciting my impatience, I was able to speak calmly to each of them about what I wanted them to be doing. And wouldn't you know they then did it! Without the continual fighting that usually ensued!

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My good friend had been telling me since last summer that I had no idea what I have been through, all that I have been carrying. I had no idea what she was talking about. I mean I knew my marriage was challenging. What I didn't know is that it was, at its core, counterfeit. What my husband demonstrated towards me was not love. He was nice enough most of the time. That is one reason I did not see his behavior for what it was. The other reason was that I couldn't. It could not be the case that the person who asked me to spend my life with him would actually be someone who does not know God's love and worse, who is actually toxic.

Someone once told me I showed them a new way to love. There is no new way. There is only one way: God's way. The world's view of love will leave you empty and wanting. Especially if you are a child of God. You will never be satisfied until God's love is manifested in your life. And He makes it plain for us. It is not complicated. It is so simply stated on 1 Corinthians 4-8. If you have in your relationship the actions of what love is NOT, you have not love. Those actions, plain and simple are NOT love.

And you really don't have to wonder whether someone is toxic or not. Now that I have been exposed, I clearly know the difference. Toxic people infect you with their toxicity and you begin to manifest it. Love makes you more of every good thing that you are and helps you discover more of the good that lies within you.

My best friend said my husband didn't know any better. I responded, "It doesn't matter or excuse it. We all fundamentally know right from wrong unless we are mentally ill . . . This shit is wrong. Way wrong". She responded, "You're absolutely right. Inexcusable but he really didn't know any better. That's how some families live".

I immediately recoiled at the the thought. And then I had my awakening that I wrote about above. MY little family was living like that. Not at its worst because I hadn't completely succumbed to this type of behavior, but, as I said, I was definitely manifesting some of it. And I thought of how fortunate I am to be getting out. And how thankful I am to be saving my children from this learned behavior. The thought of raising them with emotional abuse as their model of love to unleash them on the world to perpetuate this sickens me.

This is so the right decision. Sometimes divorce actually is the right decision.

SMDH.



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