Sometimes I Just Cry

Because things are hard. And then I think about how thankful I should be and am for the things I have in my life.

But it's not the things. I never expected to be here. Days away from turning 43 and separated from my husband. Longing to be divorced from him because I simply do not recognize him. I am jealous of couples I know who have challenges and are successfully working through things because they are working together. That requires a partner, though. And if there is one thing I know after 2.5 years of weekly counseling, it is that I did not have a partner. And that both saddens and angers me.

I am not supposed to be raising my children by myself. I am not supposed to be providing for my children by myself. I am not supposed to be without comfort and support.

I am not supposed to be dreading Mother's Day because I know for sure it will be just another day in my house this year. I never received a gift anyway . . . but at least I would sometimes get a physical break that day. Not this year.

And I am tired. If my day does not start by 5, then I can count on being late getting Coco to school and then myself to work. And I am very thankful these days for a great employer and manager because I do not have to stress about being late. My day ends around 10 - 10:30. The kids' bedtime routine still takes at least an hour. And with the separation being so fresh, I am laying down with both of them each night. Gian needs it more because of his age, Coco more because she needs it emotionally right now. Sometimes I fall asleep, of course. Other times, I am able to get out of their room by 9 pm. But who wants to do dinner dishes and clean up the kitchen and prepare lunches for the next day when they have not yet just taken a moment for themselves and the day is completely gone? Not me. But I have to get back in the habit. I miss knitting. Relaxing. Turning on the television. It is normally 10 days or so between chances to even turn it on.

So, yeah, I am tired.

And I am sad and angry. I want my partner. And to be comforted.

And that's just.not.going.to.happen.

And so sometimes I just cry.